Mad Hatters

 Posted by at 10:54  Republicans
Feb 262014

We are slowly and painfully working our way toward the Texas primary elections on March 4. Meanwhile, we are being inundated with television ads by all the Republican candidates trying to out-Tea-Party each other. We’re not seeing many ads from Democrats, as most of them are running unopposed. There is one Congressional district, currently held by a Democrat, where there are three candidates. One of those (reminder: a Democrat) is running on the platform of repealing the Affordable Care Act and impeaching President Obama. This is Texas, after all.

Dallas Morning News columnist Jacqueilynn Floyd published a column in yesterday’s paper entitled Tea party brings out a lot of Mad Hatters. (That was the headline on the column in the paper. It did not survive, it seems, to the online edition.) In it she published the script followed by all Republican/Tea Party candidates…

Candidates for all kinds of office follow variations on this script:

I will stand tall against Washington, “Obama,” liberals and every combination thereof. No matter how much chaos it causes, I will never cooperate or work with them in any capacity. If they get on the same elevator as I’m riding, I will not push their floor button.

My all-time favorite constitutional amendment is the second. I love it more than all the other amendments put together. I support a constitutional amendment that would replace the First Amendment with the Second Amendment so that the Second Amendment would come first.

My opponent says he is a lifelong Republican — if this is true, why did he appear in a 1971 grade-school history pageant as Grover Cleveland? Why has he offered no explanation for this troubling contradiction?

If elected, I will seal off all 1,900 miles of the Texas-Mexico border with a wall made of red-hot cast iron and topped with live flames and protected by a 50,000-member armed security force. This will be funded by my plan to raise new Homeland Security funds by eliminating entitlement benefits to anyone whose cellphone ring tone plays the opening bars of “La Cucaracha” or who owns one of those oversized souvenir sombreros with “Hecho en Mexico” embroidered on the brim.

I will stand very, very tall to define marriage as being between one man and one woman. The only legal exceptions will be the case of a union between one person and one firearm or between me and Ted Cruz — I’m just crazy about that man.

I believe life begins not just at the nanosecond of conception, but when your great-great-great grandfather was conceived. I would support the concept of all human life beginning at the conception of the first single-celled organism to crawl forth from the primordial ooze — if I believed in evolution, which I don’t.

If you subscribe to the paper (does anyone anymore beside us?), you may have missed the article. It was in the bottom right hand corner of the Metro section. Anyway, I’d like you to read it… either online or in print. She pretty much hits the old nail right on the old head.

Edited on 03/02/14 to add this very relevant illustration:

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.